"Fair" doesn't mean "equal"
The most common mistake families make when dividing caregiving is trying to split everything 50/50. This almost never works. People have different circumstances — different distances, different work schedules, different skills, different financial situations.
Fair means everyone contributes what they can, and the total adds up to what your loved one needs.
Map out everything that needs doing
Before you can divide responsibilities, you need a complete picture. Care tasks broadly fall into categories:
- Daily care: medication, meals, personal care, companionship
- Medical: GP appointments, pharmacy runs, hospital visits, health monitoring
- Household: shopping, cleaning, laundry, home maintenance
- Administrative: finances, insurance, benefits, correspondence
- Emotional: being present, providing reassurance, managing difficult conversations
- Coordination: keeping everyone informed, scheduling, managing the care plan
List every task, how often it happens, and how long it takes. Most families are stunned by the total.
Match tasks to people
Consider each person's:
- Proximity: Who lives closest? They'll naturally handle more in-person tasks.
- Availability: Who has flexibility in their schedule? Who works full-time?
- Skills: Who's good with paperwork? Who's patient and calm? Who's physically strong enough for personal care?
- Financial capacity: Can someone contribute financially instead of (or in addition to) time?
The sibling who lives two hours away can't do daily visits, but they might handle all the admin, book appointments, and fund a weekly cleaner. That's a substantial contribution.
Write it down
Verbal agreements fall apart. Write down who's responsible for what, and put it somewhere everyone can see — a shared document, a care coordination app, even a printed list on the fridge.
When it's written down, it's harder for responsibilities to silently drift back to one person.
Review regularly
Needs change. People's circumstances change. What works in January may not work in June. Schedule a monthly or quarterly check-in to review the plan and adjust.
These reviews are also a chance to acknowledge the work everyone is doing. Caregiving is largely invisible, and recognition goes a long way toward preventing resentment.
When someone isn't pulling their weight
Address it early and directly. Resentment left to fester damages family relationships permanently. Use specific observations rather than generalisations:
- "You were supposed to take Dad to his appointment on Tuesday but didn't arrange cover when you couldn't make it."
- "I've been handling all the medication management alone for three months. Can we redistribute this?"
If a family member genuinely can't contribute, that's a reality to accept — but it should be acknowledged openly, not ignored.