It's their life, not yours
One of the hardest aspects of caregiving is the shift in power. When you start managing someone's medications, finances, and daily routine, it's easy to slip into making all the decisions for them. Often with the best intentions.
But being cared for doesn't mean losing your voice. Wherever possible, the person receiving care should be at the centre of decisions about their own life.
Why inclusion matters
- Dignity: Being talked about in the third person while you're in the room is dehumanising. Always talk with someone, not about them.
- Better outcomes: People are more likely to follow care plans they've had input into.
- Mental health: Feeling powerless accelerates cognitive decline and depression.
- Legal right: As long as someone has mental capacity, they have the legal right to make their own decisions — even ones you disagree with.
Practical ways to include them
- Ask, don't tell. "Would you prefer the blue or green jumper?" gives choice. "I've laid out your clothes" doesn't.
- Involve them in care planning. If you're setting up a care schedule, discuss it with them. What times work for them? What do they want help with?
- Bring them to appointments. If they're able, let them speak to the doctor directly. Add your observations, but don't take over.
- Offer options rather than ultimatums. "We could try a cleaner once a week, or I could come over on Saturdays — what would you prefer?"
- Respect "no." If they refuse something non-critical, accept it. Not every battle is worth fighting.
When capacity is declining
Dementia and other conditions can affect someone's ability to make complex decisions. But capacity isn't all-or-nothing. Someone may struggle with financial decisions while being perfectly capable of choosing what to eat, where to go, and who to see.
The legal standard is decision-specific: can they understand the information, weigh it up, and communicate a choice? If yes, the decision is theirs — even if you think it's the wrong one.
Having the conversation early
While your loved one is well enough, talk about their preferences for the future:
- Where do they want to live if they can't manage alone?
- What matters most to them in daily life?
- Are there treatments they would or wouldn't want?
- Who do they want making decisions if they can't?
These conversations are uncomfortable, but they're a gift. When the time comes, you'll know what they wanted — not just what you think is best.